Athame Meditation

So, I'm closing in on Initiation. Been at this... about a year and a half now?

My mentor approaches me and says he's a little concerned. He explains, its not so much a matter of if you're ready for initiation, its a matter of the fact that the process changes you, but certain things are also cemented.

Paraphrasing he explanation, he informs me that he's concerned that I'm not properly grounded in 'reality' as it were. To anyone that knows me, knows I'm not too great with practical matters. My head is usually always in the clouds, so to speak. I'm really not surprised at this, at all. We spend a good 30 to 45 minutes talking about it. We cover a number of really useful points.

This is part of what I love about L. Oakthorne, we have great conversations. And while he claims that he is not terribly intuitive, I suspect its hard to reach 2nd Degree without developing a goodly dose. :) He seems to be able to draw things out of me, or at the very least, help put me into a place where I can realize the things that I am not consciously aware of. I make a number of realizations (I do that alot around my Elders);

The main thing, is I do not 'live in the now' as much as I should.
The second, I overthink, or try too hard, when I should relax and let it flow.
Third: These are both related!

DING! I overthink because I don't want to mess things up like I have in the best, try too hard because I don't want the future to be like the past.. and in the process I mess things up!

Because my attention is EVERYWHERE except where it needs to be: Right here. Right now. In this moment.

How can I expect to do things well, speak eloquently, move gracefully, be at peace, if I am funneling all my personal energy into the past or the future?

No wonder I am always so low energy. I'm dividing myself into three!

L. Oakthorne asks me to take my athame, hold it in my hands, and meditate with it. Practice our deep breathing exercises, and to feel the blade breathing along with me. This is to align me with my Will.

I finally did this for about 30 or 45 minutes yesterday, after completing my daily exercises... interestingly enough, my dailies seem a lot different armed with my recent revelations concerning 'living in the moment'. I ended up immersed in my meditations for longer than expected.. to the point where I kept fading into dream mind, and loosing the meditation all together. But it felt good, it felt peaceful (peace being something difficult for me to attain, especially without my meds!) During the process, I thought I felt the blade of my athame buzzing slightly as I breathed in, and breathed out, but remained still when I was holding my breath... not bad, for a first start.

Here's hoping I continue to see improvement.. Keep me in your thoughts and prayers. I need all the help I can get, believe me. ;)

Blessed Be,

S. Omphalos